I could have mohawked her pubes.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
