I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
