Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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