Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize