Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
