I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize