Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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