well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
