Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
