Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize