billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
