im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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