this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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