Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
