Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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