official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
