Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just high enough for therapy.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
