Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
