No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
