Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
