I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
