i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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