I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I accidentally burped into my bong.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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