Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
