wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
