I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
