i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
