I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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