well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
