I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
