i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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