Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
