nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize