apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
