I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Randomize
