the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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