she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
