I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
