i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
