Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
