There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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