My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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