Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
