The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
