I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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