just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
