the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
