it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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