mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
