my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
