I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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