I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
