Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
