this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
His nipple licking is glorious
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