Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
