You can't special order awesome
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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