I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
