I love black thongs
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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