I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
