New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
