sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
