i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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