It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
