Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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