I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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