I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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