If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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