You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
